Sorry, I Can’t Afford to Manifest Right Now

When you mention "cancer" at a yoga studio, the looks you get are more aligned than their Warrior Poses. I once confided in a popular yoga teacher in Phoenix, and I swear her eyes screamed, "Gross, why would you manifest that?" She didn’t say it—too busy chewing her gum—but those judgy eyes spoke volumes.

Manifesting wellness and wealth has become the elite's pastime—a hobby I tried until cancer and real bills decided to manifest in me first. Here’s my current spiritual and literal budget, where my wallet laughs hysterically as I light another candle rather than a dollar bill.

Rent: Because my cancer cells need a roof too.

Phone Bill: I need to stay connected to everyone except my debt collectors.

Car Payments: Gotta have wheels to drive myself crazy with medical appointments.

Insurance Premium: The only premium experience I'm getting this year.

Out-of-Pocket Costs for Non-Covered Meds: Because apparently, survival is an à la carte menu.

Imaging That Insurance Doesn’t Cover: Scanning my bank account is just as scary.

Lion's Diet Subscription: Ensuring my dinner growls back at me.

'Cancer is a Gift' Blog Subscription: Irony is not dead, it's just monetized.

ChatGPT Subscription: Because sometimes, I need to argue with an AI about existential dread.

Netflix: To binge-watch everything but 'The Big C.'

Past Life Regression Session: Just to see if I was a cat in one of them—explains the nine lives thing.

Gum for the Yoga Teacher: She's gonna need something stronger to chew on after our chats.

I do believe in manifesting, deeply. I manifest hope, strength, and laughter when it feels like my savings manifest a disappearing act. So here's to manifesting the truly important things—like a good day, a free parking spot at the clinic, or a friend who doesn't mind when your manifesting budget includes a lot of tears and cheap wine.

A blog post by Rachel Smak on grief, loss, and lessons from stage 3C rectal cancer